*Warning this post is honest, vulnerable, and REAL (because yes, I am a real human)*
I love being here in India. For real, there is no place like it. I still can't believe I get to live here. The diversity is unreal and has made me think a lot about life. It is a mixture of American culture influence, a billion different Indian traditions, rich, poor, Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Atheists, spicy food, weird smells, loving friends, Uber rides, motorbikes, Range Rovers, a dozen different languages, mosquitoes, beautiful homes, and getting excited about finding the best Mexican restaurant in Bangalore (shout out to Chinita).
Along with being out of my "normal" environment comes experiences, feelings/emotions, and talks that open up a world of questions. Questions can shake up anyone and make them re-think their entire life. But i'm learning that without questioning, we cannot know what we truly believe or stand up for anything.
Here are some real questions I have been struggling with/thinking about the past few weeks:
- Am I actually capable of doing a "big girl" job?
- Did I really learn anything in college?
- Why is there so much hate in the world?
- Is God real and if He is why don't I "feel" Him close by sometimes?
- Why is sex meant to be for marriage and why is it so hard to wait/want to wait?
- What would my life be like if I actually didn't care about what people think of me?
- Am I ever going to be "good enough" for a relationship?
- What would happen if I dated/married an Indian guy?
- Am I actually making a difference in the world at all?
- Why have I been blessed to travel and see the world, yet my family back home struggles with normal life?
I could go on with these questions, but here is a little glimpse into my head and heart. I think this time is so important. I'm going to look back on this day and think "wow, India really transformed my life into a whole new direction."
For now I cling to the promise that God is with me and he is not hidden from me (Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalm 139:5). The promise that he is making me new (Isaiah 43:18). The promise that he satisfies (Isaiah 58:11). The promise that I don't have to worry (Philippians 4:6).
"I’m asking GOD for one thing, only one thing: To live with him in his house my whole life long. I’ll contemplate his beauty; I’ll study at his feet. That’s the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world, The perfect getaway, far from the buzz of traffic. God holds me head and shoulders above all who try to pull me down. I’m headed for his place to offer anthems that will raise the roof! Already I’m singing God-songs; I’m making music to GOD." Psalm 27:4-6 MSG